The Fight, Day 3: Plans for Peace
/So precious...one of the few moments he's not talking
An update: things are not great. Ben has been up in the night coughing every night - 1:30-3:30 last night, 2:30-4:00 the night before. The night before that was the vomiting night. I get up and check on him, put Vicks on his feet, turn his music back on since it has quit playing. But I just feel helpless. I can't really do anything to make him stop coughing and I hate it.
I am a super light sleeper so once I hear him, I have a horrible time getting back to sleep. I can't sleep until he’s not coughing anymore and back to sleep. It would be better for both of us if I could get some sleep (although I’m sure I’m Mary Poppins on 4 hours of sleep), but I just can't. I lie there and think and pray. As I hear him cough I think about moms and dads with a child who has a chronic illness. My heart breaks for them. This virus is bad and us being sick is frustrating. But at least it will be over soon.
A big part of the problem is that this is lonely work. When you have been sick for two weeks and you are already stir crazy, it is hard when your child takes his turn to be quarantined. We can't really go anywhere because we bring our germ party with us. And even we don't want them. For two extroverts who thrive on being around people, isolation is hard.
In other news, Ben's right eye turned bright red yesterday. It's better today, but not great. I've been having him take steam showers the past few days to help with the cough. Last night afterwards we came downstairs to find water all over the dining room floor. So the fun continues.
But this stuff isn't bothering me like it was. It just doesn't feel like a big deal. I would almost say I feel peaceful about things. If you know me, you would probably never use the word “peaceful" to describe me. Intense. Determined. Aggressively helpful. Extremely beautiful (thank you, eighty year-old man at Wal-Mart). But “peaceful” does not come so naturally.
In all the frustration I've been dealing with, a couple friends have encouraged me to rest in God and experience His rest. That's hard for me. But today I gave in. I accepted that my plans and my productivity are just not happening right now. And that’s okay. I love it when God changes my difficult circumstances. But it shows more maturity when I’m not difficult in my circumstances. Much like life, this week is not going to look at all like I had planned it. But I get to lie on the couch and kiss my child and fix him toast and smell his hair and thank God for this moment. And that's pretty great.